You will have to resist the urge to judge here. It can be difficult to look at family situations objectively, especially if you’re emotionally involved in the conflict. Try to think about how you would react to hearing about the conflict as an outsider. Examine why both parties feel wronged and hurt. Consider your family’s history and what role, if any, this plays in the drama. Also, look within yourself. Have you done or said anything that could have escalated the situation? How do you think other family members felt about some of your actions? Try acknowledging this out loud, such as by saying, “I shouldn’t have raised my voice. I am sure it was upsetting for you to hear that. ” Acknowledging this out loud and leading by example can set the tone for other people to follow suit! You want to behave admirably and have people want to replicate that.
Think about who’s caught in the middle. For example, if your two uncles are fighting, maybe their kids are in the middle. While all the cousins like to get together once in a while, it’s become awkward due to the rift between their fathers. The fact other family members are affected is something you can use to encourage resolution. If the two opposing sides do not want to meet, remind them of how their drama adversely affects those around them. This may be the push they need to mend fences.
You don’t want to engage in bad-mouthing. However, try to encourage everyone to explain why they’re feeling the way they do. Use active listening techniques to emphasize to them that they’ve been heard and understood. For example, “Uncle Dave, you seem really tense about seeing Uncle Clark for Thanksgiving. Is there something going on there?”
For example, if your uncles are fighting because one of them made a passing joke about the other’s job, chances are there is more going on. Maybe one uncle always outshined the other growing up. Maybe they have always been very competitive with one another. In this case, the issue isn’t just about personal tact when it comes to humor. The issue is about insecurity. Knowing this will make it easier to address everyone’s feelings when mediating the issue.
A good general ground rule is that only one person can talk at a time. You can discourage others from interrupting. You can start off by saying something like, “Even if you disagree with what someone is saying, it’s important to let that person talk for the sake of this mediation. You can respond when they’re done. " You can also have general rules about managing emotion. Let everyone know that, no matter how angry they get, no one should raise their voice or use foul language.
Let someone know if they’re getting out of control. Say something like, “Uncle Clark, you’re starting to raise your voice” or “Uncle Dave, you shouldn’t use words like that. It’s not productive. " Remember not to try to shout over them when they raise their voice. Keep your tone gentle and your voice soft. Use brief prompts such as “let’s keep it down” to keep them on track when they start to stray. You can also ask if they’d like to take a moment to breathe or compose themselves.
For example, “Uncle Dave, I’m hearing you feel like Clark was being condescending about your job. You worked really hard for the promotion, and while you don’t mind joking around, you felt like Clark should have congratulated you first. "
It’s not your job to offer exact courses of action. However, you can offer suggestions on how family members could better treat one another in the future. Think about what has been said during mediation. Look for areas where change is needed. Remember to seek the input of others. Ask them specifically what they are willing to do to help improve the situation. Start with your own areas of change if appropriate. Suggest something that needs to be different in the future. For example, “As a person’s career is so vital to their sense of self, maybe we should all use more sensitivity when joking about someone’s job. " You should also agree to work actively on letting go of the feud. For example, “For the next couple of months, let’s agree not to bring this up. We don’t have to talk about it over Thanksgiving. I think this will give everyone a chance to let some of this go and move forward. "
You can also encourage other family members to forgive. However, remember you cannot force someone to feel a particular way.
Keep in mind that it might take several conversations before a situation is better. Give everyone involved a break, but don’t be afraid to revisit the issue down the line to see where areas of progress exist. Express pleasure about this and encourage everyone to keep trying.
