Reach out with something gentle after some time. You don’t have to lead with, “I’m so sorry I just heard what happened, I’m headed over right now. " Just say, “So sorry to hear. Thinking of you. " Don’t be a burden on your friend. Just let them know that you’re open and ready to talk whenever they need anything.
Before you do try to talk to a friend or find out more about what’s wrong, a card, a bouquet of flowers, or some other small token can do a lot to speak for you and reach out to someone who’s really grieving. Likewise, a six-pack of beer or a mixtape can be a good reach-out gift. Just getting someone a soda, a tissue, or a place to sit comfortably is a good way to start. Help your friend put her hair back.
Try text messages, if your friend isn’t answering the phone. These are easier to respond to in a quick way, without having to put on a good face. Even if your friend hasn’t been through something super-serious, and is just upset because of a scraped knee, or because a favorite sports team lost, it’s still tempting to isolate and ignore other people. Reach out to those people too.
If you’re not sure what to do, ask them what they need. Some people like to talk things out while others prefer to distract themselves. [2] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSWPsychotherapist Expert Interview. 21 July 2020. A little physical affection can speak more than a long comforting talk. Just pat someone on the back, or give a little hug. Hold someone’s hand who’s struggling.
Don’t push. Sometimes, just sitting there and being quiet is enough for letting someone talk if they don’t want to. If your friend doesn’t want to talk about it, don’t make them. Follow up in a few days if your friend doesn’t want to talk. Make plans to get lunch and say, “How you been?” They might be more willing to talk at that point.
Make eye contact. Look at your friend sympathetically. Put your phone away, turn the TV off, and ignore everything else in the room. Lock in and listen. Nod along to show that you’re listening, and use non-verbal cues to be a good listener. Sigh during the sad parts, smile during the funny parts. Just listen.
You can also use this if you’re unsure exactly what they mean. “Let me see if I’m getting this straight: you’re angry with your sister because she borrowed your astronomy books without asking?” Avoid playing down their problem if it seems small to you. It may be more upsetting to them than you think. Don’t try pretending you know what they’re going through if you haven’t been in a similar position.
This is especially true if your friend made some mistake. It’s probably not necessary to point out that your friend might not be so upset about failing a test if they had studied instead of playing video games. If you want to offer advice, pause. Ask “Are you looking for advice, or do you just want to vent?” Honor their response.
Talk about what you’re doing later, or what you’re doing next. Take a little step into talking about a new issue. If you’re sitting outside a school building, talking about a break-up, say, “So, are you hungry? What do you want to get for lunch?” Eventually, your friend may run out of things to say. Don’t let them keep circling back to the same topic, over and over again, if it doesn’t seem to be productive. Encourage them to talk about other things, and focus energy elsewhere.
Just get up and go for a walk if you’re sitting around. Walk around the mall and window shop, or just walk around the neighborhood to get a change of scenery. Blow off some steam, but don’t blow off too much steam. Grief isn’t an excuse for abusing drugs, tobacco, or alcohol. Be the voice of reason if you’re trying to help your friend feel better.
Try doing some meditative exercise, like some light stretches, or even yoga. For a fun distraction, play backyard sports, bike, or go for a walk. If your friend is feeling angry or frustrated, do something really high impact and physical to work it out. Hit the heavy back at the gym, or do some dead-lifts.
Watch a funny movie or a stand-up comedian to help shift their attention away from their own negative thoughts. [7] X Research source
Sometimes, it’s good to drop off a meal to a friend who’s going through a tough time. Make up a pot of soup and drop it off. One less thing for them to worry about. [8] X Research source
In some cases, it might be better for your friend to just put their head down and get back to work. Regular stuff can be a good distraction. Let them make the final decision, but let them know they have a choice, at least.
