Be sure your approach is friendly and inviting, but not overly excited to the point where it seems insincere. You might say something like “Hey, I noticed you standing here on your own. I’m Jeff, what’s your name?” Approaching the person on your own as opposed to with a group increases the likelihood that they will engage with you. Shy people typically feel overwhelmed and intimidated by large groups.
Science has shown that direct eye contact increases self-awareness, which is an uncomfortable state for extremely shy people. [1] X Research source To increase their comfort level with you, aim to make eye contact between 30-60% of the time during a conversation. Generally, you should make eye contact slightly more when listening than when talking. [2] X Research source To further help your new friend adjust to you, stand beside them rather than face-on. This positioning can often feel less threatening. Just be sure to turn to face them slightly with your body to show interest and engagement.
For example, if you are at a social gathering, and you want to strike up a conversation with a shy person who is hiding out in corner or leaning against a wall, you can ask “So, how do you know the host?” Other open-ended questions might include: “What brings you here today?”, “What kind of things do you do for fun?” or “What was your impression of the film?”
If you want to continue talk, you might try to find a connection from something that was said earlier like “So, you said your brother works on cars?” If you want to save both of you from an awkward silence, you might say “Well, nice meeting you, Becky. We’ll have to catch up again sometime. "
Shy people take some time to warm up to new people and new situations. Respect that need by limiting the first exchanges, then gradually the duration of interactions as the person becomes more comfortable with you. [4] X Research source
Of course, in some cases, the shy person might warm up quickly and start engaging more. However, in the early stages of your friendship, you will have to be prepared to start and/or carry the conversations. [5] X Research source
Try to stimulate your shy friend by observing what they seem interested in talking about and sticking to those topics. For example, if your friend seems to light up when discussing a certain television show, try to get her to go into more detail about it. You might ask “Who’s your favorite character on the show, and why?” or “Tell me about the episode that officially made you a fan of the show. "
Make occasional eye contact (don’t expect any in return) Orient in their direction during conversation Lean in to show interest in the conversation Keep your arms and legs uncrossed and relaxed at your sides Smile and nod to encourage her to continue talking
One of the main aspects of friendship is intimacy. You can achieve intimacy through appropriate self-disclosure. Be warned, however, that it’s unnecessary to share your deepest, darkest secret. In fact, doing so, may scare your new friend off because of the sudden intimacy. Start with something rather small but that many people don’t know. You might even disclaim your self-disclosure by saying “A lot of people don’t know this but. . . “.
Although it may not seem like it, your shy friend may be terribly uncomfortable during the entire interaction. They may be anxious to get away to process the exchange.
If you take this route, you can end up causing distrust and making your friend retreat from you. You might suggest a few “exciting” things to do with your new friend, but if they don’t seem interested, don’t force the issue.
Asking why your friend is so quiet or introducing them as ’the shy one’ can be quite insulting. This will probably annoy your friend and cause them to be even more self-conscious. As a result, your behavior may actually make them withdraw even more rather than getting them to open up.
You can be a better friend to a shy person by recognizing that all people feel shy on occasion. Your friend just appears to be extremely shy. They probably aren’t being shy because they don’t like people or even because they want to avoid them. They are simply uncomfortable in most social situations. They probably badly want to belong, but don’t know how. Help them feel a sense of belonging by refraining from judging or labeling their behavior.
Don’t push your new friend to open up. Allow the friendship to unfold at its own pace. That way, you both will be comfortable with where the friendship is going, and your shy friend can be themselves around you.
