People usually become avoidant because they didn’t have a secure bond with their partner or caregiver. As a result, they learned to rely on just themselves. Because they’re afraid of commitment, avoidants often have very short relationships.
Mutual independence is actually really healthy in a relationship. It’s great to have your own friends and hobbies separate from your partner.
If you’re in a relationship with an avoidant, going to therapy can help you learn to communicate with each other.
An avoidant needs time to learn they can trust you. Once they feel secure, they’re more likely to commit to you.
Give them space by limiting communication and staying away from their regular haunts. Take care of yourself during this time by doing things that you love, like hanging out with friends, watching movies, or exploring your city. Remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder, so let them wonder what you’re doing.
Some people go no-contact with avoidants. However, it’s best to reply when they message you. If they feel like you don’t care about them at all, they may give up on you. Remember, they’re afraid of getting hurt. [6] X Research source
Avoidants are also really careful about what they post. They’re hesitant to post about their romantic relationships because they fear both commitment and a public breakup. Posting about your relationship too soon or too much may inadvertently drive them away.
Although you don’t want to post too much on social media, go ahead and post a photo of you with your friends. You want to ensure that your avoidant partner sees you out with others.
Learning a musical instrument. Taking a painting class. Joining a recreational sports team. Hiking on Saturday mornings. Attending an improv workshop. Making a short film. Writing a novel. Training for a marathon. Volunteering at an animal rescue.
Make a single post on social media about your awesome new adventure. You might take a pic of a painting you did or the first day of you learning to play guitar. Then, go back to your social media break. The one caveat here is that you shouldn’t try to make an avoidant jealous by going out on dates. Remember, they’re afraid of being hurt. If they think you’re with someone new, they’ll usually give up on your relationship.
“Hey, how have you been? 😛” “I saw a TikTok today that made me think of you. 😆 How are you?” “It’s been a while! 🙃 What are you up to?”
You might even change up your look a bit to draw their eye. Try a new haircut or a fun new outfit.
Be vague about what you’re doing when you’re not with them. Say, “I’m hanging out with the girls this weekend,” or “I’m taking a class this Tuesday. ” Let them ask for more details before you provide them.
“You’re so smart. ” “I love spending time with you because you’re so fun. ” “You have the best sense of humor. ” “You look amazing today. ” “This color is perfect on you. ”
If you start feeling frustrated, go out with a friend and vent about your feelings. It’s okay to be annoyed with your partner from time to time.
Try to remember that they aren’t pulling away to hurt you. They’re just trying to protect themselves.
Everyone makes mistakes, so don’t be too hard on yourself if you disappoint your partner occasionally. If that happens, apologize and promise to do better in the future.
An avoidant can get into a serious relationship, but it takes time. It might help for you to go to couple’s counseling together.
Avoidants tend to say “I love you” less often, and their tone may sound unemotional. Despite that, they really mean it.
